Widen Your Perspective, Life Coaching
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meditate, reflect and interject.

Can We Just Be "Best Friends"?

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First and foremost,  this post will be structured to not identify male and female. The term Mate, side, party, partner or other will be used often. The LGBT community/cultures experience the same issues. So this read is for EVERYONE!

My Best friend and I,

  • We were loyal to one another.
  • We enjoyed being around one another.
  • We talked about everything.
  • We were open and honest with one another.
  • We laughed like there was no tomorrow!
  • We went almost everywhere together.
  • We supported one another.
  • We listened to one another.
  • We trusted one another.
  • We knew one another’s deepest and darkest secrets.
  • We never judged one another.
  • We did some crazy stuff together!
  • We were protective of one another.
  • We loved each other. 

That was my "best friend".  As for you, my mate, my lover, my boyfriend, my girlfriend, my husband, my wife...who are “YOU”?

Why do relationships fail?

For one thing, It takes two!

  • Culture - If you’ve read my first two blogs, “A limited perspective is 100% of the cause for conflicts and emotional suffering” and “I” Am Anxiety; you will understand that culture is at the “core” of who we are and the way we behave and respond people and situations.
  • Needs and Expectations - Through culture (family and friends), is where we learn what a relationship is, how it is supposed to function, our roles in the relationship, our responsibilities and how you are supposed to treat and be treated.
  • Demands - These are the list of entitlements we generate based off of what we feel deserving of. This also has to do with culture.
  • Self-centeredness - Both sides want to be heard. Both sides want their needs, desires, and expectations met. Technically, the relationship is actually based on the Latin term “Quid pro quo” (An exchange of services). If  “I” don’t get, “YOU” don’t get!
  • Ego - Often times, no one in the relationship wants to be wrong…about anything. Many couples would rather argue over issues that are pointless than to admit they're wrong and move on. Ego causes a sense of, “you can’t get the best of me.” Or “you can’t get the best of me…and get away with it!” Do the terms “stubborn as a mule”, vindictive, and spiteful sound familiar?
  • These are the elements (on a scale from large to small) we either learn to tolerate, combat, suffer or run from.  Here’s an example of what happens often when relationships are facing a hardship,

(Side A) will “fizzle out” before the other. If (Side B) still has fight left, he/she will eventually begin noticing some behaviors from (Side A) that would be deemed unacceptable to many people

(take your pick). Eventually, (Side B) will feel as the victim, because he/she assume they’ve done everything the right way (or for the most part) based on what is known.

Once this phase has begun, the exchange of negative energy becomes relentless and fierce. You're constantly tired and drained, surrounded and consumed by the negative energy being generated by constant yelling, fighting, frustration, irritation, being ignored, cheating,  lies,  distrust, and/or having to live in discomfort by having to wear a “face” in order to “keep the peace”.

This is the part when someone will share some encouraging words like, “things will get better”, “These types of things happen in every relationship” “just give it time”, “it will all work itself out”, “Just pray”.

Eventually, (Side A or B) will notice something about themselves.  The emotions that were relevant at the start of the relationship have become overshadowed by constant frustration, irritation and or anger.  It “appears” the interest in the relationship has been lost.

So the next big question is, “why?”

We lose interest because of the spirit and the mind is malnourished. “Wait…what?!”

You see, our spirit is alive. It also feels and desires. Do you recall meeting someone new, but it felt like you’ve known the person for years? Something about this person made you feel alive inside. It is your spirit interacting with theirs. The positive energy generated has become thick and fluent. Your body is filled with euphoria, elation, and excitement. You find yourself telling all your closest friends and family members, “I think I’ve found the one!”  But, something interesting happens:

The two of you decide to place a title on your perfect “friendship”.

For many people, words, names, phrases, and titles have meanings, values, and beliefs attached to them. Those attributes may differ from person to person. I’m referring to the terms ‘Boyfriend”, Girlfriend, “lover”, “mate”, “partner”, “other half”, etc.

Although these terms mean commitment for many people, the expectations, demands, values, and beliefs of those labels may differ between individuals. Thus, the reason for conflict within the relationship.

Please Note, I’m not stating that you should rule out commitment. My purpose is for everyone to understand that the words and titles we use carry various amounts of “weight” with them.  Be self-aware and analyze. Figure out what is a necessary value and belief about the particular term and what is not. If you need to use these terms, I would suggest that you revise its meaning to tailor it according to who you are and how it can help your current or future relationships.

The ego, along with a self-centered thought process possessed from both sides, is often the beginning of the end. One side may seem a bit more overbearing, demanding, needy, whiny, obnoxious, loud, and or abusive due to the intensity and range of emotions. Regardless, both sides are to blame for it not working out.

 How???

Regardless of whose, “Bull-ish” outweighs the other, who has done more unacceptable things or who has does more good /great deeds for the other. The bottom line is this….there is always a cause and affect (meaning someone's actions or behavior will cause  how the other is affected), it takes two to argue, it takes more than one person for a “dictatorship” to exist, and takes more than one person for the term “impose” to exist. Again, this is how many are taught to function!

Here’s my point. In relationships, we are often oblivious to its true purpose, due to wanting our needs met. The spirit and the mind are typical, never involved in the grand scheme of the things.  We don’t realize how everything else is just surface level drama based on, “you're not realizing, giving or doing enough of this” and/or  ” I'm not getting, seeing or feeling enough of that”.

Here’s an example you may relate to. Like with any new piece of material we purchase, (a gadget, cell phone, clothes, or vehicle) we get bored with it after a while. Why? For starters, there’s no substance, no connection, no bond, no growth, no spiritual or mental stimulation with this “object”; Just, “newness”.  Is Newness even a word?? Anyway, This is an example of someone who is spiritually and mentally malnourished. Now, let’s add rules, expectations, and demands to malnourishment.

If a relationship is to exist, nurturing of the mind, body and spirit is a must. To add, these elements MUST incubate in a healthy inhabitant consisting of appreciation, admiration, respect, compassion, and constant learning of self and life, into some degree. These elements must be established in a way that is natural. Not by saying the words repetitively, and certainly not by doing things the way you were thought.

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“Then how?!”

First, I want you to think of your “true” and closets friends (past or present). Got it? Now, ask yourself this question, “how did my closest friends and I, build appreciation, admiration, respect, and compassion for one another? There’s no blueprint, but whatever it was…do that or something similar.

“Why not do it the regular way?"

Because it's not natural!when you create friendships,  It’s a natural form of bonding that involves no pressure, no egos, no self-centeredness, no demands and no expectations. Both of you are being your unique selves, who enjoy being with one another like best friends do.

The purpose of a relationship (other than raising a family) is to connect on a spiritual plain, learn, develop, grow and find out, as a team, what your purpose is in life. Any other reason is superficial.

I’ve received so many out cries of people telling me, “I just want to happy!”

Yet, we feel the need to spend an abundance of energy on forcing a cylinder peg into a square hole. Why not just go and find it?

  • Why do we accept a norm that believes that being with someone requires a lot of work?! Why are we willing to live the rest of our lives under “law and order” in our own home?!
  • Why do we deal with the yelling, fussing, irritation, anger, confusion, trusting to a “certain extent”, and being told what’s acceptable and what’s not?
  • Why do we feel the need to sacrifice who we are by doing whatever it takes to keep “peace”?
  • Why does our “Love” for someone seem to hurt so bad when things aren’t going according to how we “assume” a relationship should be? 

What is it about this term called “love” anyway?  hmmm….I think I’ll leave that topic for another blog?

In order to be happy, something has to happen first. Change your reality by changing your mindset, changing your surroundings, changing your habits, reactions, and behaviors. Basically, redefine what you consider your “Normal”. “Inner work” is the key to happiness!

Our culture(s), has trained us to think and believe that this way of living is normal, teaching us what life and relationships should be like; and we allow it.  Instead of changing the paradigm and do what makes us happy, we continue to recycle the same routine, actions, responses, and behaviors.  

Note: If you are doing well in your relationship, I commend you. However, please continue to read.

 If you are currently in a troubled relationship, please note, it’s not over until one side says it's over. If both sides are willing to put forth a conscious effort to make it work, then there is “still wind in the sails”!

One thing to understand is that remaining optimistic is vital. It's not about what you feel deserving of in a relationship, but what you believe. If you believe in your mate, if you believe there is hope for things resurfacing to its original form,  If you believe there is such thing as living in peace,  If you believe your mate wants the relationship to work as much as you do, then take the next step.

  • Laugh together - Whether it’s a comedy show, at someone else’s expense, or at each other, laughter is good bonding time. This can help minimize or “tear down” any negative feeling that may exist.  Sharing an abundance of laughter works! But you'll need more than that.
  • Travel - experience new things and become amazed together. Learn about different cultures together. It could be something local neither of you have experienced before. Just taking a long ride together alone would be a step in the positive direction.
  • Be active together - Go for a hike, take walks in the park, go hang out by a lake or ocean to have lunch. Experience the beauty of nature together. Take in some live music, a play, a live sporting event, sky diving, horseback riding, etc.
  • Learn together - Watch some documentaries, read together, share the knowledge with one another learn and practice self-awareness and /or personal growth. Take a visit to some interesting historical grounds. Do something that isn’t familiar to either of you. Do something that will take the both of you out of your comfort zone….together. It can be frightening and funny at the same time!
  • This is how the spirit and mind are stimulated. If you’ve noticed...nothing was mentioned about catering, reflecting, sacrificing, prioritize, being the better person or respecting the other.

By getting out and doing the things addressed above, with time, a strong connection, admiration, respect, and compassion will have been developed. This is the result of the spirit and mind getting the needed nourishment. Everything else falls into place! 

How??

It’s because your mate is now full. The spirit and mind are satisfied. When it’s this way on both sides, your realationship will be a beautiful thing.

But wait!  It’s not over just yet! The two of you has some personal growth to work on.

You must learn the ability to become a solo act in your relationship for the following purpose:

  • Learn to reprogram your mind in order to release your expectations, demands and any bad experiences that are appearing to have negative emotional weight and contributing to any conflicts within your relationship.
  • Learn who you TRULY are. Spend some scheduled time to yourself and work on tearing away the multiple layers of negative baggage! You will for certain feel like a different and improved “YOU”. The new positive energy will radiate through to your mate at will. Positive energy is infectious.  
  • Strengthen your appreciation for self! Learn to appreciate yourself by learning what you are fully capable of. Know that you are more than capable of fulfilling your own demands and expectations. Now let them all be your own instead of your mate’s. ADMIRE yourself for every layer of baggage you strip away.  ADMIRE yourself with the same range of affection… that you would give to someone else who’s doing so same exact thing for YOU.

The less you need, expect or desire from your mate or anyone, the more focus can be placed on what is most important!

But it starts with "inner-work". With time, what you put in will radiate outward for all to see, admire, appreciate and respect. Everything you thought and felt to be an issue will be no more.

  • No pressure.
  • No expectations.
  • No demands.
  • Strong inner-work.
  • Nourishing the mind and spirit.

This is fulfillment! This is richness!  This is abundance!

If you and your mate are having a troubled time, understand, he or she “still” has feelings for you!

How do YOU know?

Well, “is your mate still hanging around?” If yes, then there is your answer!

It’s not visible because the relationship is so infested with negative energy to the point neither one of you can see or express true feelings. There is no direction because you both are blinded by conflict and frustration. Here is my message to the both of you as I write this.

  • Through down your guard!
  • Look your mate’s in the eyes!
  • Open your arms wide with the feeling of letting everything go!
  • Tell your mate these words:  "Be my best friend"!
  • Embrace as if the world were to end tomorrow and don’t let go!
  • Submit to each other!
  • Let go of everything that happened in the past.
  • Express your feelings!
  • Cry! Be your authentic and unique self!

Everything else will take its course. Now off to a new beginning you go!

Love, Coach Chambers.

 

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