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My life is an emotional roller coaster. I can't think or function straight! I’m forgetful and often lose my train of thought. Yet, I “will” myself to function.
My body is having an uncontrollable fit, as though I'm going losing control. My irritability has me on edge, causing me to not be in the best of moods and extremely impatient with people. My emotions are coming, going, rising and falling at a rate where I can't determine exactly what I’m feeling!I find myself only reacting.
It's hard to explain how extremely awkward I feel when walking into a room full of people that I don’t know? It really shouldn't be a problem, Right?! But, I can't ignore feeling like “all eyes are on me”. Every glance I detect, every laugh or giggle I hear, every whisper, every gesture….I feel like they are meant for me! I feel like an odd ball, a fool, and a joke. Is this what they truly feel about me?
Pressure, stress, and obligations can be my biggest enemy at times! I feel as though I’m about to explode with panic, uncertainty, fear, and nervousness. These emotions are over bearing and indeed crippling. Leaving me to feel me immobile. Its intensity leaves my bed ridden, as I feel as though I can't face the world. I want to run from it all, But where the hell would I go? I need calm.
There’s, not a place to hide or a person I can talk to who understands my suffering. For the moment, crying is my preferred release valve over death. However, I have contemplated it. My existence is extremely overwhelming to bear at times, but I will continue to hold my ground to the best of my ability.
Often times, I feel like the whole world is crashing down around me! If I had one wish, my wish would NOT be used for money, houses or cars. I would use it on a BIG ASS remote control! You see, this remote would be special. I'd use it on people to make them “ shut the fuck up” at the click of a button! Better yet, I would use it to shut down the whole entire world like a power grid to a major city gone bad. while leaving time standing still. Wishful thinking huh?!
It seems as though, the only time I get a piece of mind is when I'm alone. This is my way of seeking refuge from all of the external stimuli that are causing my emotional agony. I can't sleep nor can I keep a steady “train of thought”. My mind!!! It won't stop it’s chattering! It appears to have a conscience of its own. It seems to talk to me…personally. Reminding me of all the unfavorable possibility’s I could encounter if I fail. Fail at my job, fail at my relationship, fail as a parent, fail as a person. Now I find myself applying additional pressure to myself because, in MY mind, there's zero priority list. That's because EVERYTHING IS A PRIORITY! I can't fail, remember?! So, everything has to be done NOW and not tomorrow or next week.
My motivation, energy, will, and hope is so low. I don’t want to move, be outside, or deal with anyone (people, family, friends, etc). I want to do, absolutely NOTHING. I guess I can consider myself lucky though. Many people who are like me don’t make it because they become broken. Their low points are emotions rolling over into a depressive state and remaining there for astronomical periods of time. I've thought about it several times but, luckily for me, never have I fallen that deep into the “rabbit hole”.
I have experienced two suicides in my family and several with serving in the military. I know this situation is real. Many people who do not understand, will blame suicide on“not being strong enough”, “taking a coward’s way out”, or” being selfish”. I live to testify that suicide is more than surface level concerns. It consists of layers, upon layers, upon layers, of deep dark-seeded mindsets. Many of those who are like me, will find them selves so deep in the “world of hopelessness”, they are unable to find their way out because the light leading out is completely gone. They become lost.
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My name is Shawn Chambers, Certified Life Coach. I was diagnosed and treated for anxiety in 2013. The emotional train wreck this character was experiencing is not a fictional tale. It Is me, recalling my many episodes from various times during my life. I often felt vulnerable and alone.
I write in hopes of this material finding and connecting with those who are dealing with these issues. To let them know someone TRULY understands. I know what it’s like when it seems that no one else does. The feeling of being judged, misunderstood and alone can be difficult to digest. As a Life Coach, I admit that I still have occasional issues. However, I’m proud to say that I was able to transform my mindset and my life. I’m not perfect, but I will forever work on it.
In 2014, I began my journey to personal and spiritual development. However, There was a level of understanding that I had to adopt prior to initiating the process. That understanding was, “I control and am responsible for everything with-in my reality”. I thought this was an easy term to grasp at first. I failed miserably at it, actually. I could do well when preaching it to others though! However, I failed because I couldn't accept full responsibility for my ALL of my emotions and outcomes in life. I was still placing blame and could not fathom any connection between myself and the issues. But once I finally grasped it, a spark went off inside of me. My perception of how I viewed things changed. It forced me to look within myself for answers because there was no one else to blame!
I realized how my experiences influenced how I responded to future situations that were similar. With anxiety, it's an overload of emotional impulses that are linked to past experiences. Whether these past experiences are relived or forgotten memories ( the fear, stress, over pressured, disappointment, feeling unimportant, feeling unworthy or not good enough, shame, and anger) the sensors of the body and mind remember those feelings. They have an impact on causing our mind and body to respond to our current feelings that are “unknowingly” attached to those past experiences.
Why are our feelings so intense and unbearable at times? Well, Not being able to run from the situations that are “seemingly” causing our episodes is one good reason. Many of us aren't able to because life has us by the seat of our pants. Think of every financial obligation, having to get up early every morning for work to deal with someone else’s responsibilities and stress 5 out of 7 days! Then possibly tend to a needy family at home 7 out 7 days. Then add, having to deal with all of the pressures of life throws at you outside of what was previously mentioned.
Our emotions are like panic buttons. Any situation that resembles a past experience that has created emotional pain, the sensors go off. I like to relate these sensors to weight lifting. With weight lifting, the more repetitions performed while periodically adding weight, a person becomes physically stronger. As with negative emotions, as the repetitiveness of spiking emotions happens throughout our existence, The more life will toss tough situations on our plate to deal with. Thus making what you feel more intense and felt more often. Our memory and sensors are like a Microsoft SD card. It will hold on to recorded information until it’s either erased or reformatted. To erase a memory, I’m not so sure about. However, to reformat a memory is obtainable.
Altering a mindset that has been conditioned to think one way all its life is a tough task. I can tell you it takes a strong effort in being. Youll need to be self-aware, disciplined, determined and motivated. What I found out during my journey of personal and spiritual growth was MIND BENDING! There was a lot of things I learned about myself. Many things I couldn’t “wrap my brain around” because the process was so far out in left field (as perceived at that time). Beyond all of the factors causing my issues. I discovered the key to it all. It's me….
I disciplined myself to STOP and allow my mind to slow down and fully experience every emotion. I eventually I understood exactly what I was feeling and why. By doing this, I was able to figure out what many of my emotions were attached to. I proceeded to “dig deep” within myself and ask, “Why am I nervous, stressed, angry, irritated, sad, and afraid? Why do I have a problem with my past and current situations? Why am I holding on to this? What value does holding on the what I currently feel have? How is this feeling that I'm choosing to hold on to, benefit me or anyone else? This situation is old news. Why am I still bothered by my past? I'm older and have gained knowledge and wisdom from my experiences? This portion has helped me immensely.
Basically, I was reprograming myself to allow myself to become self-aware, remaining in the present moment, gaining acceptance, forgiving, moving-on and re-prioritizing my values of self, people, places and things. Another thing that has been contributing to the success of journey is my spirituality. You can never have too much of it! The universe speaks to me various ways. Learned how to listen, interpret and go with it.
There is a spark of darkness in us all. It consists of self-serving values and beliefs that are locked away in those compartmentalized cells deep in our body's frame work. It is our own value and belief system that is contributing largely to all of our unpleasant situations. Our “perceived” ugly past times tend to take a seat in the back of our mind and conscious and don’t want to leave. Well, to be perfectly honest, it's not that it doesn’t want to leave. It's that we won't allow them to leave. Here’s how you can tell if this pertains to you:
- Your parents were awful to you, and you still feel unworthy.
- Your EX- mate abused you either physically or verbally, and you are still skeptical and judgemental of the opposite sex.
- You were cheated on, and you are still hurt.
- You were bullied, and you are still afraid and lack self-confidence.
- You once felt disrespected by someone, and you are still angry and prideful.
- Your dog died and your still sad.
I think you get the point here.
Holding on is futile, pointless, non-beneficial, and unproductive, Thus, we have anxiety. “Widen Your Perspective”. Recondition the mind, to realize that we are in control and responsible for our own reality. We allow outside elements to control us and fear the unknown. why are we afraid of the unknown? Next time ask yourself, “Is what I am currently feeling really fear or suspense? I say its suspense because we are anticipating what the outcome will be. Does suspense sound a bit better than fear? Maybe now you can slow down and breathe for a minute.
Heal by pin pointing the issues, ask questions, and let go! If this post describes you and you can not fathom how to begin pulling this off, send me an email with your questions and I will give you some tips and ideas. Don’t worry. No sales pitch here! I'm just someone who deeply gives a damn.
Thank you for taking the time to read!
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